From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.
THE BEGINNINGS
CHAPTER ONE:
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth, except maybe for certain parts
of New Jersey and some parts of Texas yet unspecified. Ronald Reagan created
hell or earth, or at least is given credit for having made the effort.
And darkness was on the face of the deep and there was a giant malfunction at
the Three Mile Island Power Station and it was a mighty blight.
And God said, "Let there be light," and lo, there was light, thanks to the
power grid that allows transfer between companies.
And God saw the light and saw that it was good, and then He saw the quarterly
bill and saw that indeed, that was not so good.
And God called the light day and the darkness He called night, and that awful
bill, damnable.
And God said let there be firmament, and there was firmament, and it could be
reached, in emergencies, by dialing 911.
And God said "let the firmament be gathered in one place and the water be
gathered in another place, so that dry land may appear, and lo, the first
Florida condo salespersons were afoot on the land.
And God said "let there be grass upon the land," and there was grass upon the
land, and the Narcotics Division had the very first reason for being.
And God said "let there be lights in the heavens that will give light to the
earth," and so it was that parts of used Satellites started falling freely all
over the place.
And God said "let the seas bring forth that which has life," and it was so, and
McDonalds introduced the fish sandwich.
And God said "be fruitful and multiply and subdue the earth, and let the fowl
come forth in great number," and it was so, and all the various chapters of
Ducks Unlimited held yet another fund raising dinner.
And God said "let the earth bring forth cattle and creeping things," and thus
it was that Rosanne Barr and Jimmy Swaggart came to be.
And God said "let us make man in our own image," and thus, after Oliver North,
it became possible for the Marines to look for " a few good men."
And God said "let man have dominion over all of the fish, the fowl and the
creeping things and the land and the sea and the sky over it all," and thus the
legislature respondedon had the very first reason for being.
And God said "let there be lights in the heavens that will give light to the
earth," and so it was that parts of used Satellites started falling freely all
over the place.
And God said "let the seas bring forth that which has life," and it was so, and
McDonalds introduced the fish sandwich.
And God said "be fruitful and multiply and subdue the earth, and let the fowl
come forth in great number," and it was so, and all the various chapters of
Ducks Unlimthe Iranians who manage them.
CHAPTER TWO:
And the Lord did form man by gathering the dust and breathing into his nostril
the breath of life, thus violating one of the principles outlined clearly in
the most recent book by the Surgeon General with regard to precautions against
AIDS.
And the Lord planted this man He had made in the Garden of Eden and called upon
some ad agency somewhere to promote the idea of living in some sort of real
estate called a Garden, but not in Florida!
And out of the ground, the Lord grew every tree that was pleasing to the sight,
but He failed to reckon with the morning weather report, which allowed that all
were blown away in the first hurricane.
And the Lord placed this man in the Garden and told him "Thou mayest eat
freely, but at the checkout, thou must pay the price."
And, "of the tree of knowledge, thou shalt not eat," since it has been but
recently sprayed with DDT and other less delightful flavors.
And the Lord said "tis not good that man should be alone," and so he threw the
man into a deep sleep, and while he was asleep, the Lord took from him his rib,
allowing that this would be the first of many unemployment claims to be filed.
And from this rib the Lord fashioned a women and brought her unto the man. And
the state, seeing here a wonderful opportunity for yet another fee, fashioned a
marriage license which was costly.
And they were both naked, the man and the woman, and the Cotton Council made a
low bid to weave and cover with the fruit of the plant what was heretofore
naked and free of charge for same, according to the number of threads per
square inch.
CHAPTER THREE:
Now the serpent, being a far more cunning creature than the mere beasts of the
field, bid the woman "come eat of the fruit of this tree," and the women
declined, saying surely as she would eat of the fruit of this tree, she would
be overcharged at the cash register line and would surely die.
But the serpent, being wise and persistent, advised the women that the fruit
was not from Chile or South Africa, and this not forbidden, and so the women
ate and took some home to her husband. And he, raiding the fridge, also
partook.
Now the man and the women both knew that they were naked and did not know what
to do, since it was after hours at the shopping mall, so they wove themselves a
covering garment, one fig leaf for her and no less than seventy-nine for him
and, pronto, the problem was solved.
God, in his wrath swore "Surely as you live, you shall die, but before you do,
you will be condemned to watch reruns of the Gong Show and sweat it out.
And God turned to the serpent, the wily serpent, and said "Cursed shall you be,
and may you wander through endless chapters of the Marlin Perkins Mutual of
Omaha wildlife presentations on your belly." And so it was done, upsetting many
of those who took guest shots on this series.
And God turned to the women and said "Cursed shall you be and one day will you
find equal employment opportunity with that clod that followed your example."
And Phyllis Schlafly founded the Eagle Forum and frustrated God by denying
women equal rights! "Women should stay home," she said overly as she flitted
about from one village to another for months at a time, telling every women to
stay home.
And God sent Adam and Eve forth from the Garden of Eden to find their own plot
of land and fend for themselves by the sweat of their brow. But where they
went before them had come a person putting up signs which read "Another Trump
Tower to Be Erected Here Soon!" And life was both difficult and expensive, for
Trump is no easy landlord.
CHAPTER FOUR:
And Adam knew Eve and a son was conceived and his name was given as Cain. And
the National Enquirer bellowed in 20 point print that Adam and Eve were about
to raise Cain. And thus was a mighty circulation slump avoided.
And again, Eve bore Abel, the brother of Cain. Abel was a shop keeper who
invented the blue light special, a bright lad. Cain was a tiller of the land.
Becoming jealous of the blue light, Cain slew Abel, but not before putting his
entire crop down on a policy with Prudential, so that he was sure to have a
good chunk of that rock.
And God was indeed mightily displeased with this act of Cain and cursed him and
said that this land would not yield a crop and it came to pass that Cain was up
to his armpits in fertilizer bills with no crop for which to show.
And Cain moved on into the land of Nod, which recently moved his kingdom from
Washington to Santa Barbara
CHAPTER FIVE:
And it came to pass that men started to multiply on earth, there being no
condoms, and increase without stoppage, and insurance sales rose.
And God saw the increase, not only here, but in the circulation of the national
tabloids, and message parlors and other forms of debauchery such as
televangelism.
And so God said "surely I will once more destroy all of humankind, save for my
good friend Noah," for Noah had the right connections in the Lodge and was also
a skilled carpenter.
And the earth was even more filled with corruption and Rambo I, II, III, IV, V,
and VI came forth, and even did also Police Academy. Sordidness was rampant
upon the land and box office business was booming and rising.
And so God told Noah to make an ark, and Noah, moved with insider knowledge,
went forth to Century 21 and put his house on the market as a serious price,
put his grain futures in the market up for sale at a sacrifice price and almost
cornered the cork market, into which he bought ever so heavily.
And then God told Noah to bring aboard the ark two of every living creature,
and so he did, and the ark was still a whole lot cleaner than a lot of those
luxury cruise liners you read about in the papers.
And so, for forty days and forty nights exceedingly steady heavy rain was upon
the land, a fact entirely missed by the National Weather Service which had
predicted a prolonged drought and many tediously filled days of complete
sunshine. Yet was it to be that not one person noticed particularly, since the
Today show, previously taped, missed not one installment of the morning run.
Yea, even Geraldo Rivera had a two hour national special on the opening of a
trunk of sunshine which came to naught.
CHAPTER SIX
And after these many days aboard the ark, Noah sought fresh air, opening the
windows of the ark. Immediately he was slapped with an injunction by the
Environmental Protection Agency charging him with serious air pollution, a
charge he knew would stick, like very near everything else on the ark.
And Noah sent forth from the ark a dove carrying an olive branch, and the dove
did not find a tree upon which to graft that branch. The dove returned with a
film from the Florida Citrus Council touting the advantages of orange juice.
Upon the return of the dove, Noah, feeling that the rain might well have ended,
parked his ark on Mr. Arafat in a no parking zone. And the Lord said, "Noah,
you had better split before the meter maid arrives and you get the big one."
And Noah stepped off the ark to survey the situation and fell 3,000 feet, for
Mt. Arafat is no small hill.
And so these are the beginnings!
The Above Translation Taken From Cousin Jeb's New International Revised
Standard Prayer Partner Simplified Large Print Practical Harmonizing Version of
The Old and New Testaments and Some Other Things Cousin Jeb Liked. Please be
advised that this is currently out of print and probably will stay that way.
From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.